confessions

So I just happened to stumble across a video made by Tenth Avenue North and in it Mike talks about their song Healing Begins. And what he said hit me, hence the reason I'm blogging, after a several month sabbatical. In James 5 it talks about us being in trouble or sick, and says that we need to have our elders pray over us and that we need to confess our sins to one another and pray over each other. And it makes sense. Think about it, if you confess your sins to God, you do it again and again and again, and it just doesn't seem like a big deal, but if a person you know, if a person close to you finds out, that's when we really start struggling, where we really begin to work through and heal from our problems because it makes it real to us. Though we are praying to the Almighty it just doesn't seem... as big. He's not there, yeah we know we're disappointing Him, but we can't see the look on His face, the Holy Spirit may convict us, but the majority of the time, it's way easier then telling someone else.

So with that said, I need to get some things off of my chest. Some things that I've been holding onto for a long time. I desperately pray for healing, for the freedom that we're promised through Christ. I desperately desire to live the radical life that I'm called to live, but I feel so weighted down by some of this, that I just can't get past it.

I have a jealousy problem. I get so envious of anyone that I come in contact with that I view as somehow better then me. I don't get as envious over stuff as I used to, but I really get envious of people who are better designers then I am, that have leadership, and that have more opportunities then I do. I get knots in the pit of my stomach when I see people like this, or even when I see their name show up on my caller ID. It has nothing to do with them or anything that I've done, but I just have such a strong feeling of what can only be called jealousy towards them that it actually makes me physically sick. I could make a list of the people that this effects, but that'd be a mighty long list. In particular the people at Journey. I apologize wholly and completely for not praising God for you but instead being jealous of some of you. You are my family and deserve better. I love you all.

Second, God blesses me with much. He has been so generous towards me and Kate. I find myself very rarely blessing others with what I'm given. We squander our money and our time instead of investing in His Kingdom. I was reading through Forgotten God and Francis Chan asks, "What would the church/Church look like if every person was just like you? Would the church be flourishing or failing?" That question hit me hard. I've spent so much time focusing on the big stuff that I believe God is doing in my life that I've neglected to do the essential parts of daily living in a radical way. I talk big about wanting to live a radical life but do very little to make that a reality. I am a passionate person whose ideas and thoughts quickly fall by the wayside for the next big thing. I/We haven't tithed in months because we've been afraid to trust in Him to take care of our needs. So if the church/Church was made up of people like me, the church would be broke, idealistic, and so focused on the big picture that they've lost sight of the little things and not serving. I apologize to the Church as well as my church, I have only robbed you as well as our community for not putting motion to my words and loving the people that I come in contact with in a way that is truly honoring and reflective of the way that Christ loves us/me.

Last, I struggle with lust. This is something that I've struggled with for years and thankfully God has done wonders for my lustful thoughts, actions, and motives. But I still have my struggles. To any woman that I have ever looked at in a way that is not honoring to God, I completely and wholly apologize. You are beautiful in the eyes of the Creator and I apologize for not viewing you in the way that He perfectly views you. I also apologize to my wife, you've been the most amazing wife in the entire world, you love me in a way that I can't begin to express in words. You are beautiful and sexy on the outside as well as the inside and you and you alone are the one that I desire. I apologize to you for anything that I do, say or think that communicates anything other then that. You complete me in a way that I can't express. Thank you for being a tangible version of God's unconditional love and forgiveness to me. I love you unconditionally.

Those were my big three. Those are things that God has been working on me over for years. I can't hold them in any longer because all of those things effect those around me. Our sins do not just effect ourself, the ramifications of our sins spreads wider then we can ever imagine. I thank you all for loving me in a way that is so reflective of Christ. For the way that you've been there for me and for Kate over the months/years that I've known you.

Perhaps, this can encourage you in someway.

it's all a matter of perspective!

so it's difficult for me...

I have yet to desire my "style" as a professional designer. A really great designer, you can see their work and KNOW that it was designed by so and so. Probably the best example being Andy Warhol. That man looked at things from a perspective I can't even imagine. I mean, I can because he first did it, but I really honestly CAN'T!

A friend of mine handed me a flyer about a week ago for an event from a year or two ago, as soon as I saw it I said to him, " Darin designed this didn't she?"

Darin is a super good friend whom I started a magazine with (bleacht). I know her style, I worked with her long enough that if I see her work I know it's hers.

I don't have that with my work. There's nothing that ties them all together or anything. They have no identity. They have whatever I was feeling at the time in them but they don't have ME in them.

I get very frustrated with this.

on a fairly regularly basis.

But then I have to remind myself that the handful of people that I compare myself to, on a regular basis, are a lot older then me, not all, but most. But I always feel like I'm making an excuse when I say that, but the truth is, I've only been doing this design thing hardcore for like...

2 years or so.

Wow. When I actually sit and think about it and get it out on paper... or screen, I'm just a baby designer. And let me just say, it's pretty intense how much I've grown as a designer, how much I've matured and grown and developed. Even outside of print and web design, I have began to feel creative at all times and find myself sketching or doodling or whatever, all the time.

Even with that realization, it saddens me to know that I wasted so much time. I've been doing graphic/web design for about 5 years, starting my senior year in high school and I can only say that I've been doing this hardcore for like 2 years or so.

I don't want to be able to say in 2 more years that I wasted time. I want to make sure that I'm continuously growing and working and putting out consistent work that reflects me.

I want my designs to be a PART of me. I want people to be able to see them and say, Conrad designed that. I want to take more pride in my work.

I want to stop wasting time.

I feel like I say that a lot in these blogs, but it's the truth. I have goals and things that I want to do, and sometimes... the only thing that I feel like is stopping me...

is me.

If I'm not giving my all and actually actively pursuing what I feel I'm supposed to be doing, how can I say that I'm giving glory to my Creator? I was listening to one of Matt Chandler's latest sermons and he said something that really really hit me. Everyone's life, whether they want to believe it or not, is going to glorify God. Either through His love and grace that He's given us, or through His justice, HE will be glorified.

that's deep.

I want to glorify God through my life and actually use the talents He's given me for Him and His people.

I want to live a radical life. I pray that He'll shake me and break me and show me His glory in my life and guide me through the decisions that we need to make.

Guide me Father. Show me Your Will and help us to make decisions that glorify you and exalt you. All things end with you being glorified Father, but help us to glorify you to the best of our abilities now, bringing your Kingdom to earth and not waiting to go to Your Kingdom.

In Jesus Name.

the journey to find purpose

so at some point along the way, people began to view the ideal life as a life that is full of health and wealth. I sit in a chair typing this at a job where my boss proudly talks about coming to America to pursue the "American Dream"

and I've decided something...

I want no part of it.

at all.

I refuse to become so obsessed with padding my bank account that I lose sight of what's important in life.

I refuse to work so many hours to be able to buy whatever, that the only time I see my wife is as we lay down to sleep every night.

There is something so much bigger and deeper going on in this world that why in the world should I waste a second of my time worrying about the things of this world (the sermon on the mount helps a lot with this). We look at people that choose to live this simpler type of life, a life that they believe reflects Christ and we refer to them as radicals.

I call them Christians.

I believe that there should be two focuses in this life.

God

and people.

I talk about this verse ALL of the time, but go read the second half of Matthew 22. It's an amazing passage of scripture. In this passage Jesus sums up the entire law with two commandments; love God, love people. with all of your heart, soul, and mind.

that's all that I desire to do. I want to make an impact through my love and steadfast devotion to God to the people that I come in contact with. To love them as best I can and to show and offer them hope in whatever way I can.

There's a particular pastor that I listen to fairly often as I work throughout the day. Matt Chandler talks quite often it seems about how we more commonly go to God when we're upset or angry, and we miss the simple joys that He gives us, like being in the company of people that you love. Good friends, good food, good drinks, good fellowship.

After those moments, those events, those lunches, dinners, breakfasts, brunches, midnight get-togethers at Denny's, whatever, THOSE moments, are the moments that I take the most joy in. The times where I'm with the people closest to me and just simply enjoying existing in this world. When we can get together and enjoy delicious food, maybe a drink or two, and talk.

I love to talk.

Not just for the sake of talking (usually). But I love those conversations where when you finish and your on your way home from wherever, you say to your wife or yourself, man, I want to do THAT more often. I want to be in the presence of people whom I love, more often. To be able to share with them, whether it's good or bad, and be able to spend time talking about the Creator and what He's creating in each of our lives and how it's all connected...

it's all connected...

we are all connected in someway. It's not really a question of if we are, but more a question of whether we take notice of and embrace the connections that exist.

I'm going to take notice and embrace. I'm going to step out of my comfort zone and meet new people, find new people to love and interact with.

I'm going to love God and love people.

Another year gone by

So it's hard to believe that I'm now 22. I mean seriously. Where has time gone? I feel like I've been grown up for so long... but at the same time, it seems to have gone so quickly! So much has happened this last year. I remember reflecting last year and thinking the same things. I also remember thinking well, next year could be my last year not married, never thinking that I'd be married by Christmas to my beautiful wife, but praise God for Him knowing and planning better then I can!

Again, I can't believe how much has happened in the last year. The things I've done, the people I've met, the friends I've made, the friends I've lost, the time I've spent being productive and dreaming and planning, and the time I've thrown by the wayside and wasted...

I'd say I'm about 50/50.

That's depressing...

Kate and I want to do so much, we have big dreams and big visions. We feel as though we have big callings and firmly believe we do. We strive to not live a "good Christian life," but instead a radical Jesus following life. A life we believe can impact people. But like everyone else, we fail. We fall short. Hallelujah that our God doesn't quit on us! He continues to push and provide and strengthen and call and form events and bring people into our lives to remind us over and over again what He has for us.

I'm gonna use a quote. One that hit me as I was reading (listening) through A Million Miles in a Thousand Years (Donald Miller is a genious. read this book):

But the want was not enough. My desire to live a better story didn't motivate me to do anything. I kept sitting down and writing more and more boring words into my life. And when I wasn't sitting down writing boring words, I was sitting down watching television. Steven King calls the television "the glass teat," and I was suckling on it for all its sugar. I was licking the glass and pawing at it like a kitten.

Kate and I decided last week I guess it was to limit our television watching. This is a huge deal for us, if ANYONE knows us at all they know there's a few things we love besides God and each other: Music, Movies, & TV Shows. We love the creativity behind them and just well... everything! We spent many hours watching movies and catching up on TV shows (all of Lost and House in the last like 5 or 6 months). Needless to say, it was too much. It's went from being something that brought us together and gave us something to talk about, to being something that was comprising what it is that we did. I was not a designer as much as I was a TV watcher. And that realization sucked.

So we cut it out.

One movie.

or one TV Show.

a day.

and NO MORE then 1 hour on the computer for anything other then work/school. Unless someone was sitting in class looking for an escape to the monotonous lecture that is ensuing from the front of the class.

On top of that we decided to get up every morning at 6am (do you have any idea how early 6 am is? there IS NOT LIGHT!) and got through the P90X workout.

There is Nothing.

In all of life.

That I'd like to get up less for

Then to do that God forsaken workout.

After the first day, I was sore in places I didn't even know that I had muscles. It was ridiculous!

(I do in a weird sort of way enjoy it though. Lost 7lbs the first week and so did Kate!)

Anyways, we're changing things. We're working to be better stewards of what we're given including our time. We still want to enjoy things, but there's stuff that needs to get done as well.

I never really understood "new year's resolutions." Sure I've made them, but it wasn't a new year for me... just a new opportunity to forget to change the numbers when I write the date. I tend to make birthday resolutions. And for the most part, I find them much easier to stick with. So this year we made them together and let me tell you, it's a LOT easier to stick with it when you're holding someone else accountable and they're doing the same for you.

I'm truly thankful for all that God has done for me in this last year of my life. I'm truly blessed to have an amazing wife, an awesome group of friends, an opportunity to do what I love professionally, and daily opportunities to show the Creator of the entire universe's love to those around me.

This was a random blog. But that's what all's on my mind.

Praise God for His continuous love, blessing, and provision.

even in the dark.

staying positive

So I feel like I talk a lot of crap on Christians and the church. It's really pretty horrible of me. I see problems, and I feel like sometimes I spend so much time complaining about this or that, that I actually miss the good that's being done. And on top of that, I struggle with a lot of the things that bother me but seeing it in the Church or in my Brothers or Sisters, kind of serves as a mirror.

There are people that are making a difference though. I just want to take a few minutes and make a list of the churches that I personally know of that are impacting their community, and that communities impacting the world. These are churches where people are learning what the love of God looks like and seeing how it impacts people. I hope to be able to impact people in my everyday life. I feel like sometimes I excel more then others. Sometimes I get caught up with my own agenda though; my own life. I'm desperate for change and pray that it comes quickly, but in His time. I've realized over the last few years that it's NOT about me. in anyway. It's about my God. I hope that even if He allows me to suffer or deal with struggles, that I can still rejoice in Him. I feel like I lose sight of that. Anyways, take a look at the list and please feel free to post any more churches that you know of. I'm going to keep it to like 5.

1. Mars Hill - Rob Bell

2. Mars Hill Church - Mark Driscoll

3. Cornerstone Church - Francis Chan

4. Newspring Church - Perry Noble

5. Journey Church - Mark Lehew (shameless plug for an awesome church in the DC/Baltimore area. I go there so you know it's pretty awesome. haha!)

Let the conversation begin.

the doctrine of doctrine

now... let me preface this. I think some people may be upset with this post, but nonetheless this blog is a blog of honesty. A place for me to share my thought processes and get things out in writing so that I can better formulate my own opinion. This is my blog. Not yours.

And...

Here...

We....

GO!

Having been surrounded by Bible College life for (dear goodness) almost 4 years, I've fallen in love with some things and I've grown to hate some things.

I absolutely love, the heart for God that the people around me have.

I loved sitting in class and having my teacher pray over us before we take a test.

I love the bible studies and fellowship that goes on much of the time.

I love being able to have deep conversations with my brothers and sisters in a way that helps us to grow.

I hate debates.

I didn't used to, I used to thrive in arguments, pulling bible verses and quotes out of my library (and out of context) to prove the point that I was trying to make to whatever unfortunate non-(insert doctrine here) believing person I happened across. I was what I now hate.

(And let me make something perfectly clear, this blog is NOT written with anyone in mind, at all. And if you feel a little hurt or anything else or upset or frustrated, know that I don't hate you in any way, I hate the mindset, and again more importantly, I'm not writing about you.)

Becoming obsessed with Doctrine, in my honest opinion, works against the Gospel. I believe that dogma is ridiculously important and essential, but we are getting dogma confused with doctrine. Our emphasis to believers and non-believers should be love. That's what the end of Matthew 22 is completely about. It's about loving God and loving people. If we lose sight of that, we lose sight of the Gospel. Why in the world would any non-believer want to become a part of the family when all that we do is argue and bicker among ourselves whether this or that is right? Why would they ever believe that we love them when in reality we rarely show love to one another, unless of course we happen to be in a group where we all believe the same thing.

It's ridiculous. What about Jesus? I mean, honestly, what about the relationships that Jesus built with the people that he encountered. The UNBELIEVERS. The UNCLEAN. The UN(insert term for the religious here). He came and yelled and accused the RELIGIOUS of being evil and corrupt.

If all we have is a list of rules and beliefs then honestly what are we other then religious? What is it that separates us from the other religions of the world? Why would anyone ever see a difference in us or our lifestyle that would show them God?

Does God call us to be Holy? Absolutely!

Does Paul command Timothy to keep his doctrine close? YES!

Does Jesus tell us that we will be greater then Himself? yes.

We are called to do great things. But when we're filled up with head knowledge and think that we know right, it's hard to admit that we're wrong.

I'll admit.

I don't know.

anything.

I'm not wise in the eyes of my God.

but I believe that I can show His love to those around me.

because I love him

and He loves me

and I hope and pray that His love can pour out of me to all of the people around me, starting with my wife and trickling it's way down.

We are called to many things,

but to fully understand the Bible and God and how He has made everything to work,

I do not believe is one of them.

We need to be willing to question, to reexamine, to actually listen to what the other person in our deep conversations is saying and be able to admit that we're possibly wrong on whatever doctrinal topic is currently on the table, or we need to not talk.

I'm not saying for us to sway back and forth with the wind, but shouldn't we at least be able to bend in hopes of becoming stronger?

I'm a part of the problem.

I confess.

I know that I have differing views then many people that I know.

I love though before anything else.

You have your verses.

I have my verses.

We understand them the best that we can.

But in the end.

We're probably both wrong, as I believe that God has a much better understanding of His Word then I do.

And I'm okay with that.

how I'm learning to die

I find it difficult to do what I'm told. It's been that way my whole life. My mom would tell me to clean my room or whatever chore and I just would NOT want to do it! But every once in a while, because I knew how much my mom loved me, I would do it while she was out of the house to surprise her. I do the same thing now...

Kate: Can you make the bed please?

Conrad: Ugh... I willllll...

Kate: Okay.

(thirty minutes)

Kate: Can you please make the bed?

Conrad: I'm still laying in it!

Kate: Okay.

(Four Hours)

Kate: Didn't I ask you to make the bed?

Conrad: We're going to bed soon! Why do it now?

Kate: grrr...

Yes, I've exaggerated the circumstances, but still you get my point. But every once in a while when she leaves for class early I use my 4 or 5 minutes of free time in the morning to do AS MUCH as I possibly can to clean up the house.

My wife loves those days.

I'm working on studying through the Be Attitudes. I love the sermon on the mount. Alot of my favorite Jesus parables and wisdom is found in those few chapters, the ones that really get me through. I've been listening to this pastor who is going through the sermon on the mount and he said something that struck me after he made it through the be attitudes. Jesus did not start this sermon by telling us what to do, in fact He didn't give us a single commandment for the first 11 verses. He begins His sermon, one of the only fully recorded sermons we have of His, not by telling us what to do... but by telling us who we are. If you are a follower of Christ, you have been at some point all of the things that Jesus lists in the first 11 verses; poor in spirit (check), those who mourn (check), meek (check), those who hunger and thirst for righteousness (check check), merciful (check), pure in heart (check), peacemaker (check), persecuted for righteousness (check), when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you (check). He's giving us a list of things that we should be, of the things that we've experienced. For some of them, He's talking about the place where He found us, broken and alone, begging for bread or water to quench our soul. He's saying what we are. And knowing that I am those things, and that those things should describe me, teaches me how to die.

My mom used to (and still does sometimes) say things like:

you are the greatest son

you are such a good boy

i love you very much

My wife says things like:

I respect you.

You honor God

You have a heart for Him

You have a heart for His people

You challenge me to be better

I love you unconditionally

Jesus says things like:

I am meek

I am or have been poor in spirit

I hunger and thirst for righteousness

I am merciful

I am pure in heart

I am a peacemaker

I will be persecuted for righteousness' sake

Other will revile me and persecute me uttering evil things.

Even thought I don't live up to any of these things, that's still who I am, that's still how I'm seen by these people.

So I have to die, to the me that these people see can live.

After giving the be attitudes Jesus gives His first commandment to us:

Rejoice and be glad.

I will rejoice and be glad in knowing that I'm lovingly and mercifully learning how to die.