when in doubt...

So I find that some of the most difficult times that I have in life, the times that I feel like vomiting all over myself and the floor, the times that I feel like there are not butterflies in my stomach but giant birds fighting desperately to soar free, are the times that I'm not in control of the outcome of my life. The times when the decision in hand is not my own; when the decision will directly reflect my life and how I live it. I can think of countless examples, but will talk about today's events...

so I got this marketing director gig a few months ago after spending much time in prayer seeking work and direction and wisdom and putting my future in countless people's hands. I got the job in a fashion that I can only describe as divine, and I have felt like I'm definitely supposed to be at this location at this time, maybe not for the rest of my life, but right now, yes. I took the place of a man that was put in jail by his girlfriend for various reasons. He got out last night.

say it with me...

UGH!

anyways, he came to pick up his stuff today and as soon as I found out he was coming I instantly switched into panic mode. What if they were crazy and liked his work better, what if this was the end of my career here? What if I needed to start thinking about new work. Needless to say, I was a little worked up. And the joking emails from a friend at work about him getting his job back PROBABLY didn't help. But he comes in, and they act as if he's the prodigal son. I'm right next to their office so I'm stopping the printer next to me turning off my ipod and desperately trying to hear whatever was being said in the room next to me. I was freaked. At some point during these events, I wouldn't say I heard God, but He seemed to speak to me and said, I have this under control. And in that, I wish I could say that I was all better and went in and talked to him and shared the gospel and he got saved... but that didn't happen... I didn't even really feel better (he was here for like an hour), but I felt comforted. I felt comforted in knowing that I wasn't nervous about what my bosses would decide or what he would say or anything like that. I was nervous about what God had in store and if He wanted me somewhere else. He shifted my feelings and anxiety from the people around me to Him, and I think that He can handle that. I'm on my lunch now and needless to say, still have my job, but even if I hadn't if it had gone "horrible" from a worldly perspective, I would've been okay. I would've found comfort in knowing that He and He alone is looking out for me and guiding my actions and footsteps as much as those around me, even if they don't realize it. I have comfort in knowing that it's His Will and not my own or any other persons that makes up the big picture. It's not about me, it's about Him. Wholly and fully.

I love my God and the way that He works through my anxiety and stress.

In Him I find peace

as He holds my life in His hands...

EVEN

when I doubt.