how I'm learning to die

I find it difficult to do what I'm told. It's been that way my whole life. My mom would tell me to clean my room or whatever chore and I just would NOT want to do it! But every once in a while, because I knew how much my mom loved me, I would do it while she was out of the house to surprise her. I do the same thing now...

Kate: Can you make the bed please?

Conrad: Ugh... I willllll...

Kate: Okay.

(thirty minutes)

Kate: Can you please make the bed?

Conrad: I'm still laying in it!

Kate: Okay.

(Four Hours)

Kate: Didn't I ask you to make the bed?

Conrad: We're going to bed soon! Why do it now?

Kate: grrr...

Yes, I've exaggerated the circumstances, but still you get my point. But every once in a while when she leaves for class early I use my 4 or 5 minutes of free time in the morning to do AS MUCH as I possibly can to clean up the house.

My wife loves those days.

I'm working on studying through the Be Attitudes. I love the sermon on the mount. Alot of my favorite Jesus parables and wisdom is found in those few chapters, the ones that really get me through. I've been listening to this pastor who is going through the sermon on the mount and he said something that struck me after he made it through the be attitudes. Jesus did not start this sermon by telling us what to do, in fact He didn't give us a single commandment for the first 11 verses. He begins His sermon, one of the only fully recorded sermons we have of His, not by telling us what to do... but by telling us who we are. If you are a follower of Christ, you have been at some point all of the things that Jesus lists in the first 11 verses; poor in spirit (check), those who mourn (check), meek (check), those who hunger and thirst for righteousness (check check), merciful (check), pure in heart (check), peacemaker (check), persecuted for righteousness (check), when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you (check). He's giving us a list of things that we should be, of the things that we've experienced. For some of them, He's talking about the place where He found us, broken and alone, begging for bread or water to quench our soul. He's saying what we are. And knowing that I am those things, and that those things should describe me, teaches me how to die.

My mom used to (and still does sometimes) say things like:

you are the greatest son

you are such a good boy

i love you very much

My wife says things like:

I respect you.

You honor God

You have a heart for Him

You have a heart for His people

You challenge me to be better

I love you unconditionally

Jesus says things like:

I am meek

I am or have been poor in spirit

I hunger and thirst for righteousness

I am merciful

I am pure in heart

I am a peacemaker

I will be persecuted for righteousness' sake

Other will revile me and persecute me uttering evil things.

Even thought I don't live up to any of these things, that's still who I am, that's still how I'm seen by these people.

So I have to die, to the me that these people see can live.

After giving the be attitudes Jesus gives His first commandment to us:

Rejoice and be glad.

I will rejoice and be glad in knowing that I'm lovingly and mercifully learning how to die.

Music Wednesday!

So it's music wednesday again! I missed a couple weeks so here goes!

I haven't been listening to anything super exciting, a little Write this Down, a little Bless the Fall, a lot of podcasts, but there was a song that broke me this weekend at church, which let me just say, was amazing! If you are looking for a church to call home or to visit, Journey is where it's at. You should DEFINITELY come out this Sunday. http://journeychurchmd.com for times and directions! Worship this week was KILLER! One of the songs that they closed with really hit me (as it usually does) and brought back a ton of memories too! Several bands I love have played this song, David Crowder, The Glorious Unseen, but we did the original Jesus Culture version by Kim Walker. How He Loves, is an amazing song with an awesome groove and even better lyrics! If you haven't listened to it before, please do! I love all of the versions. If you are already a fan, Jeff Peck informed me via twitter last night that Jesus Culture is coming to DC so grab some tickets and go worship! Let me know if you've heard it before and what you think!

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me

Oh how he loves us, so
Oh How he loves us, how he loves us so

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me

And oh, how he loves us so,
Oh how he loves us, how he loves us so

Yeah he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves


We are his portion and he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking
So, heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

He loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves

Yeah, he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves

Yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
He loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves

men hate to ask for directions...

I don't.

I need directions.

I will gladly pull out a gps on my phone or in the car or buy a map, anything to make sure I know where I'm going. I had the unfortunate experience of having someone attempt to highjack my car once. It was at night and very terrifying... Did I mention I was in the car? Needless to say, I find myself freaking out when I see someone walking along the road or when I feel like I'm in a fairly dangerous neighborhood. I like to know where I'm going and exactly how to get there...

and I like it when the doors are locked.

thank God my car does do something right and has those auto-lock things!

Anyways, again, I hate not knowing where I'm going and will gladly do whatever it takes to make sure that my destination and directions are known by someone that I'm with.

But in that same breath. I like to think that I know where I'm going. It's a very weird thing to fall into BOTH of these categories, but I do. I will gladly admit when I'm lost and seek directions, but it takes me awhile to understand and believe that I am lost.

I find that my physical ability to fall into these categories directly relates to my spiritual ability to fall into these categories. I do not know if this is the same for everyone, but it is for me.

I can find myself walking along this path towards the goal and I think that I'm going the right way and know that I'm supposed to take a slight turn to the right or the left, but often times, I'm just guessing. Lately, I've been begging God for His direction. Begging Him to make clear the path He wants me to take, and I get so worried about going down the wrong path, that I just kind of pace back and forth at the intersection, taking a few steps forward down one path and then feeling the need to retrace my steps and rethink things. I find that my desire to the RIGHT thing is actually prohibiting me from doing ANYTHING.

I'm afraid.

I want to do what He wants me to do, but from past experiences and past detours on my route, I'm afraid of getting lost; afraid of losing my footing, of stumbling, of falling; afraid of losing my view of the finish line in the attempt to go into the ditch beside the road for a while to do whatever it is that I don't understand. It always seems easier to walk along the path that's paved then it would be to walk through the forest without a clear path.

But I feel that that is what I'm called to do. To walk through a forest that hasn't been touched; to focus on making a path and pruning some trees along the way. Of maybe creating my own road.

But I'm afraid.

And I don't feel like I'm being given the answers that I need.

And I know that it's not about me or anything that I can do. I can only bring filthy rags before my Lord and King.

but I want to do whatever He wants me to do.

I want the clerk behind the counter to give me directions when I ask, not smile at me and tell me He loves me.

But I need to be content with that, and not be afraid to step out into the forest.

I want to be fearful of the Most High, not the Most High's calling.

i am a sinner...

plainly put.

My life has been full of mistake after mistake after mistake. Moment after moment of God prodding and poking me to do something and me saying no. Just flat out no. I somehow justify the decision in my head and do whatever it is that I want to do.

I am fallen.

I guess I should start from the beginning...

Thousands of years ago, there was a man and a woman...

don't all the best stories start with a man and a woman?

Anyways, thousands of years ago, there was a man and a woman and they lived in a garden. Now it wasn't any garden, it was a garden where this particular pair were created.

Now I don't mean where they were born or where they evolved from a monkey.

They were created.

And this place, it was created for them. Not out of clay, or dirt, but the clay and dirt was created as well, by God speaking them into existence. God was/is perfect. He has always been and will always be. He created this earth and thus this garden for these two people, scratch that, the man. He discovered (in the only way that an all-knowing, all-powerful God can discover something) that the man needed a helper. So he created the woman.

Perhaps you've heard this story, these two people were Adam and Eve. Now, Adam and Eve were given a gift that only one other person was ever truly able to experience and share in, the gift to dwell in the presence of the most-high God, the only thing that God asked, was that they didn't eat the fruit of one tree in particular, everything else was there's.

Enter the fourth character in this story, the antagonist. In this particular story, he takes the form of a serpent. This serpent was wise and cunning... and could talk.

with words.

craziness.

He spoke to Eve when she was with her husband Adam and convinced her to eat the fruit. The forbidden fruit. She ate, he ate, and the rest was history.

I eat on a regular basis. I know what it is that I'm supposed to do. I know which fruit God has told me not to partake of or sometimes what I'm supposed to eat. And I don't.

In my life I've committed 2,309,490, sins...

And I continue to sin. I've dealt with pain and sorrow and shame and addiction. I've dealt with the ramifications of others' sins, and I've reaped the consequences. I've lied, I've manipulated to get and do what I want, when I want. I've been selfish, I'm constantly jealous, I take advantage of those I call friends and family. I was addicted to pornography since Middle School. I've laid in bed late at night desperately begging God to rid me of this sin, of this temptation, of this struggle, of this thorn. I'm guilty. My hands are red with the blood shed by the thoughts of my heart. My sheets are stained with the lustful thoughts of my mind. I bring nothing but filthy rags to my God for all that He's given me. My Lord should be disgraced and disgusted for me to call Him Lord. I am undeserving of anything other then death. If I was given what I deserved I would be lying in a fiery lake burning eternally separated from Him and His goodness.

I am the worst of these.

but

Thank and Praise God, that there is a but.

I am saved...

purely and wholly because I serve a mighty God.

who for whatever reason sent His Son to die for me on a piece of wood.

who has showered me with compassion and His unconditional love.

who has blessed me with the absolute best family of friends that I could ever ask for

who has blessed me with the most amazing wife a man could dream of...

He has taken care of me time and time again, provided for me in every way imaginable.

He has delivered me from the struggles of an addiction to pornography

He allows me to do what I love and make money to pay the bills doing it.

He blesses me even though I throw His blessings away.

He is mighty

and He is good.

and He breaks me at times like this, and shows me that I need Him.

I am completely undeserving of everything I have ever been given.

but I am so madly and crazily loved by a relentless Savior, who isn't willing to allow me to be who I was and pursues me and encourages me to be a model of Him. He sees the potential in me as His creation. He sees past my mistakes to my heart and my desperate desire to serve Him fully and wholly with all that I am.

Who am I in front of a mighty, loving God?

I am a saint.

all you need is love...

but, what do you do when love seems to be somewhere other then where you are at. Anyone who has read more then this blog or knows me at all, knows that I have many loves in my life; Jesus, my wife, design, music, creativity in general... I love these things, if all else was taken away and I still had these things, my life would still be content.

but lately I've been wondering,

what if one of them is skewed.

what if I have one of them but not the way I'm supposed to,

or the way that I was intended to.

I want to help people. I want to show them love. I want to use my other loves to show them love, and when I'm not, I feel like my purpose is actually flawed. Like somehow I'm missing this huge part in my life. I miss being able to have absolutely freedom creatively, to not be stuck in the box of a brand or a color scheme, i miss being able to let my imagination go and the feeling of being excited with where it ended up. I am desperately praying that God will help me to focus on Him, to ensure that I'm finding my purpose through Him and that I'm seeking to do what He wants me to do, not what I want to do or think would be best, but somewhere along the way I've been convinced that God doesn't want what I want, He wants me to do whatever He wants and that will never line up with what I want.

that couldn't be further from the truth.

I believe my Father wants me to be happy as this will show in my relationship with my wife, friends, and people I come in contact with, which in turn effects my relationship with Him. I'm not preaching health and wealth by any means. I am firmly against that gospel (notice the little "g"). But I do believe that God cares. Right now for whatever reason, God wants me working where I'm working now, if it's an opportunity to minister or just to expose this group of people to what it means to follow Christ and break some stereotypes, I do not know. But, I'm finding joy in the situation. In knowing that in my darkest deepest pit, God provided and is continuing to provide on a daily basis.

But I want more.

I want to impact people who impact people.

I don't want to be stuck in a world that devours the idea of money and can only see with dollar signs in their eyes. If you're in that environment long enough, it rubs off on you. But what do you do? How do you know when God is okay with you doing something drastic. Running a business or freelance (which is currently the desire of my heart and where my heart is) takes trust and faith in Him to provide. I've been down this road. I've suffered.

a lot.

I've faced not having any work coming in. Not being able to pay my bills. But my faith was so much greater. I trusted that He was taking care of things and that ultimately He would provide whether in the way that I wanted Him to or not. I'm okay with this now, but I now have a family to provide for, which makes it a much more difficult decision.

Praying this morning, God kind of spoke to me (not audibly or anything like that) but I was reading John 12 and for whatever reason I remembered a verse from Genesis that talks about working hard because of the Fall. And it was then that I made a decision. I'm going to be content with where I am, working hard to be an example to those around me, a model of Jesus, but I am going to work, and work, and work towards what I want and pray and seek God and hope that He will bless the desire that He has laid on my heart. I'm going to be okay with being exhausted; with not being able to go do something or watch something with my full attention (let's face it, it'll be on in the background) and pour myself into the desires that He's given me.

Thank God, my wife supports me with what we feel we're supposed to do...

cause I think we'll be busy.

I've never really honestly poured myself into something. Darin and I worked hard on Bleacht, but I know that at least I could've done more. I could've slept/watched/done less, to do more. I want to pour myself into this, to give it my all; our all. I want to do all that I humanly can to achieve what I feel He wants me to do and be excited with where He continues to lead, but content with where he currently has me. And I will be. Maybe 6 months from now, maybe a year from now, I will be able to move fully into what He's laid out.

I'm very excited;

we're very excited.

All we need is love!

in the name of...

sorry, it's been a little while since I've been able to post. we've gotten sooo much snow!

I feel like it's only appropriate for me to discuss my wife in this post, the love of my life. We were able to get away this weekend to celebrate valentine's day in Williamsburg, VA and just enjoy being together! It back a lot of memories as I used to live relatively close to there when I worked for a web firm in Hampton, VA. It was hard to believe where I was 2 short years ago, when I hated WBC (my college), hated life, wasn't consistently pursuing God, in a relationship that hurt me very much emotionally and spiritually, and in a completely different physical location. I needed that though. Those rough times helped me to understand how great my life really is. Life is all about contrast and God has to throw up the dark strokes in the painting or it would just be a white canvas. It's those dark strokes that help us to see the details, to see the painting take form. I was thankful when He started using colors and shades of white again, when he started to add highlights to my life.

My wife, is the greatest of those highlights.

Her love for me is truly unconditional (as unconditional as can be for mere humans) and I hope that I reciprocate that to her. When we first started dating and talking about marriage, several people voiced concerns because it seemed fast, and it was, but we both firmly believe that it was God's timing, down to choosing a Wednesday instead of a Saturday, as was expected, thus completely missing the devastating effects of a December blizzard and leaving us with only the residual white blanket of snow adding beauty to our wedding day. But some of these people vocalized concerns about only being in our "honeymoon" phase and not having to deal with any problems. But honestly, we dealt with more problems in those first three or four months then either of us have since. It was amidst the problems that we fell in love, when we were broke and no money was coming in and we dealing with conflicts with those around us, we saw how we responded to those problems and fell in love through that. We knew that God was painting with the dark strokes in those times, but nonetheless, they were tough times. I want to publicly declare my love and thankfulness and just how proud I am of my wife for how we handled our relationship, our friendship, and our situation through that time.

She is the most beautiful girl in the world, and I honestly question sometimes why she chose a guy like me. She loves Jesus, she loves music, she loves movies, she loves deep conversations over coffee that actually challenges us to think, she loves square plates, and she loves me. She is absolutely everything that I have ever wanted in my spouse. There's nothing that I had on my "list" that she didn't fulfill. She forces me to be a better person by loving me and loving Jesus and seeing past where I am and seeing the potential in me for the person that I am to be. I love her with all of my heart and praise God for her and for who He made her to be.

In the midst of the shadows, God gives us the highlights and midtones to create a beautiful painting. A painting that we call life, we just can't get stuck on which color of paint he's using but instead what the painting will look like in the end.

I love my wife.

I love my God.

I love His painting.

period.

Notes in lunchbags

So I've spent a this week listening to bands that I've loved for a very long time. I listened through the entire Switchfoot catalog on Monday and have been working on the Relient K catalog since then. I don't know if this is how it is for everyone. But certain albums and certain songs bring back really strong memories. I can remember exactly what I was doing at the time I was listening, who I was with, what mood I was in, how it affected me. I don't know if anyone has ever watched Chuck, I feel like with certain songs, I "flash". Memories as clear as videos come flooding back.

With that said, I have some very very fond memories of Relient K. I feel like since I have been a believer, I've connected with them and Theissen's lyrics. They just work for me, and I feel like they've grown as I've grown. It's pretty intense. I remember a little over a year ago, helping my friend, Peck, lead worship for the youth at our church. Our hearts were burdened for them, we tried our hardest to offer an amazing worship experience but I often felt like we were doing it for me. And that it was US, that we were leading worship for. After we met every Wednesday, the band would hang out for a while and just kind of jam a little bit. We loved playing, "Chap Stick, Chapped Lips, and Things Like Chemistry" and we had so much fun doing that. And that is the memory that comes to mind everytime I hear that song.

I think maybe God works that way sometimes. Sometimes we're so distracted in our lives that He has to throw out feelers to remind us of what He's done for us and how He's provided for us. I believe that He works in all of our lives differently, and just as He can usually reach me through music and a particular song reminding me of being in a place in my life, I'm assuming He reaches other people in different ways. So I guess my question is, how does He effect you? What way does He speak to you and bring you back to Him?

I love how He leaves little notes for us to remember Him. Kind of like parents do for their kids when they go to school.

We have a very loving Father.

=)