men hate to ask for directions...

I don't.

I need directions.

I will gladly pull out a gps on my phone or in the car or buy a map, anything to make sure I know where I'm going. I had the unfortunate experience of having someone attempt to highjack my car once. It was at night and very terrifying... Did I mention I was in the car? Needless to say, I find myself freaking out when I see someone walking along the road or when I feel like I'm in a fairly dangerous neighborhood. I like to know where I'm going and exactly how to get there...

and I like it when the doors are locked.

thank God my car does do something right and has those auto-lock things!

Anyways, again, I hate not knowing where I'm going and will gladly do whatever it takes to make sure that my destination and directions are known by someone that I'm with.

But in that same breath. I like to think that I know where I'm going. It's a very weird thing to fall into BOTH of these categories, but I do. I will gladly admit when I'm lost and seek directions, but it takes me awhile to understand and believe that I am lost.

I find that my physical ability to fall into these categories directly relates to my spiritual ability to fall into these categories. I do not know if this is the same for everyone, but it is for me.

I can find myself walking along this path towards the goal and I think that I'm going the right way and know that I'm supposed to take a slight turn to the right or the left, but often times, I'm just guessing. Lately, I've been begging God for His direction. Begging Him to make clear the path He wants me to take, and I get so worried about going down the wrong path, that I just kind of pace back and forth at the intersection, taking a few steps forward down one path and then feeling the need to retrace my steps and rethink things. I find that my desire to the RIGHT thing is actually prohibiting me from doing ANYTHING.

I'm afraid.

I want to do what He wants me to do, but from past experiences and past detours on my route, I'm afraid of getting lost; afraid of losing my footing, of stumbling, of falling; afraid of losing my view of the finish line in the attempt to go into the ditch beside the road for a while to do whatever it is that I don't understand. It always seems easier to walk along the path that's paved then it would be to walk through the forest without a clear path.

But I feel that that is what I'm called to do. To walk through a forest that hasn't been touched; to focus on making a path and pruning some trees along the way. Of maybe creating my own road.

But I'm afraid.

And I don't feel like I'm being given the answers that I need.

And I know that it's not about me or anything that I can do. I can only bring filthy rags before my Lord and King.

but I want to do whatever He wants me to do.

I want the clerk behind the counter to give me directions when I ask, not smile at me and tell me He loves me.

But I need to be content with that, and not be afraid to step out into the forest.

I want to be fearful of the Most High, not the Most High's calling.