all you need is love...

but, what do you do when love seems to be somewhere other then where you are at. Anyone who has read more then this blog or knows me at all, knows that I have many loves in my life; Jesus, my wife, design, music, creativity in general... I love these things, if all else was taken away and I still had these things, my life would still be content.

but lately I've been wondering,

what if one of them is skewed.

what if I have one of them but not the way I'm supposed to,

or the way that I was intended to.

I want to help people. I want to show them love. I want to use my other loves to show them love, and when I'm not, I feel like my purpose is actually flawed. Like somehow I'm missing this huge part in my life. I miss being able to have absolutely freedom creatively, to not be stuck in the box of a brand or a color scheme, i miss being able to let my imagination go and the feeling of being excited with where it ended up. I am desperately praying that God will help me to focus on Him, to ensure that I'm finding my purpose through Him and that I'm seeking to do what He wants me to do, not what I want to do or think would be best, but somewhere along the way I've been convinced that God doesn't want what I want, He wants me to do whatever He wants and that will never line up with what I want.

that couldn't be further from the truth.

I believe my Father wants me to be happy as this will show in my relationship with my wife, friends, and people I come in contact with, which in turn effects my relationship with Him. I'm not preaching health and wealth by any means. I am firmly against that gospel (notice the little "g"). But I do believe that God cares. Right now for whatever reason, God wants me working where I'm working now, if it's an opportunity to minister or just to expose this group of people to what it means to follow Christ and break some stereotypes, I do not know. But, I'm finding joy in the situation. In knowing that in my darkest deepest pit, God provided and is continuing to provide on a daily basis.

But I want more.

I want to impact people who impact people.

I don't want to be stuck in a world that devours the idea of money and can only see with dollar signs in their eyes. If you're in that environment long enough, it rubs off on you. But what do you do? How do you know when God is okay with you doing something drastic. Running a business or freelance (which is currently the desire of my heart and where my heart is) takes trust and faith in Him to provide. I've been down this road. I've suffered.

a lot.

I've faced not having any work coming in. Not being able to pay my bills. But my faith was so much greater. I trusted that He was taking care of things and that ultimately He would provide whether in the way that I wanted Him to or not. I'm okay with this now, but I now have a family to provide for, which makes it a much more difficult decision.

Praying this morning, God kind of spoke to me (not audibly or anything like that) but I was reading John 12 and for whatever reason I remembered a verse from Genesis that talks about working hard because of the Fall. And it was then that I made a decision. I'm going to be content with where I am, working hard to be an example to those around me, a model of Jesus, but I am going to work, and work, and work towards what I want and pray and seek God and hope that He will bless the desire that He has laid on my heart. I'm going to be okay with being exhausted; with not being able to go do something or watch something with my full attention (let's face it, it'll be on in the background) and pour myself into the desires that He's given me.

Thank God, my wife supports me with what we feel we're supposed to do...

cause I think we'll be busy.

I've never really honestly poured myself into something. Darin and I worked hard on Bleacht, but I know that at least I could've done more. I could've slept/watched/done less, to do more. I want to pour myself into this, to give it my all; our all. I want to do all that I humanly can to achieve what I feel He wants me to do and be excited with where He continues to lead, but content with where he currently has me. And I will be. Maybe 6 months from now, maybe a year from now, I will be able to move fully into what He's laid out.

I'm very excited;

we're very excited.

All we need is love!