confessions

So I just happened to stumble across a video made by Tenth Avenue North and in it Mike talks about their song Healing Begins. And what he said hit me, hence the reason I'm blogging, after a several month sabbatical. In James 5 it talks about us being in trouble or sick, and says that we need to have our elders pray over us and that we need to confess our sins to one another and pray over each other. And it makes sense. Think about it, if you confess your sins to God, you do it again and again and again, and it just doesn't seem like a big deal, but if a person you know, if a person close to you finds out, that's when we really start struggling, where we really begin to work through and heal from our problems because it makes it real to us. Though we are praying to the Almighty it just doesn't seem... as big. He's not there, yeah we know we're disappointing Him, but we can't see the look on His face, the Holy Spirit may convict us, but the majority of the time, it's way easier then telling someone else.

So with that said, I need to get some things off of my chest. Some things that I've been holding onto for a long time. I desperately pray for healing, for the freedom that we're promised through Christ. I desperately desire to live the radical life that I'm called to live, but I feel so weighted down by some of this, that I just can't get past it.

I have a jealousy problem. I get so envious of anyone that I come in contact with that I view as somehow better then me. I don't get as envious over stuff as I used to, but I really get envious of people who are better designers then I am, that have leadership, and that have more opportunities then I do. I get knots in the pit of my stomach when I see people like this, or even when I see their name show up on my caller ID. It has nothing to do with them or anything that I've done, but I just have such a strong feeling of what can only be called jealousy towards them that it actually makes me physically sick. I could make a list of the people that this effects, but that'd be a mighty long list. In particular the people at Journey. I apologize wholly and completely for not praising God for you but instead being jealous of some of you. You are my family and deserve better. I love you all.

Second, God blesses me with much. He has been so generous towards me and Kate. I find myself very rarely blessing others with what I'm given. We squander our money and our time instead of investing in His Kingdom. I was reading through Forgotten God and Francis Chan asks, "What would the church/Church look like if every person was just like you? Would the church be flourishing or failing?" That question hit me hard. I've spent so much time focusing on the big stuff that I believe God is doing in my life that I've neglected to do the essential parts of daily living in a radical way. I talk big about wanting to live a radical life but do very little to make that a reality. I am a passionate person whose ideas and thoughts quickly fall by the wayside for the next big thing. I/We haven't tithed in months because we've been afraid to trust in Him to take care of our needs. So if the church/Church was made up of people like me, the church would be broke, idealistic, and so focused on the big picture that they've lost sight of the little things and not serving. I apologize to the Church as well as my church, I have only robbed you as well as our community for not putting motion to my words and loving the people that I come in contact with in a way that is truly honoring and reflective of the way that Christ loves us/me.

Last, I struggle with lust. This is something that I've struggled with for years and thankfully God has done wonders for my lustful thoughts, actions, and motives. But I still have my struggles. To any woman that I have ever looked at in a way that is not honoring to God, I completely and wholly apologize. You are beautiful in the eyes of the Creator and I apologize for not viewing you in the way that He perfectly views you. I also apologize to my wife, you've been the most amazing wife in the entire world, you love me in a way that I can't begin to express in words. You are beautiful and sexy on the outside as well as the inside and you and you alone are the one that I desire. I apologize to you for anything that I do, say or think that communicates anything other then that. You complete me in a way that I can't express. Thank you for being a tangible version of God's unconditional love and forgiveness to me. I love you unconditionally.

Those were my big three. Those are things that God has been working on me over for years. I can't hold them in any longer because all of those things effect those around me. Our sins do not just effect ourself, the ramifications of our sins spreads wider then we can ever imagine. I thank you all for loving me in a way that is so reflective of Christ. For the way that you've been there for me and for Kate over the months/years that I've known you.

Perhaps, this can encourage you in someway.

it's all a matter of perspective!

so it's difficult for me...

I have yet to desire my "style" as a professional designer. A really great designer, you can see their work and KNOW that it was designed by so and so. Probably the best example being Andy Warhol. That man looked at things from a perspective I can't even imagine. I mean, I can because he first did it, but I really honestly CAN'T!

A friend of mine handed me a flyer about a week ago for an event from a year or two ago, as soon as I saw it I said to him, " Darin designed this didn't she?"

Darin is a super good friend whom I started a magazine with (bleacht). I know her style, I worked with her long enough that if I see her work I know it's hers.

I don't have that with my work. There's nothing that ties them all together or anything. They have no identity. They have whatever I was feeling at the time in them but they don't have ME in them.

I get very frustrated with this.

on a fairly regularly basis.

But then I have to remind myself that the handful of people that I compare myself to, on a regular basis, are a lot older then me, not all, but most. But I always feel like I'm making an excuse when I say that, but the truth is, I've only been doing this design thing hardcore for like...

2 years or so.

Wow. When I actually sit and think about it and get it out on paper... or screen, I'm just a baby designer. And let me just say, it's pretty intense how much I've grown as a designer, how much I've matured and grown and developed. Even outside of print and web design, I have began to feel creative at all times and find myself sketching or doodling or whatever, all the time.

Even with that realization, it saddens me to know that I wasted so much time. I've been doing graphic/web design for about 5 years, starting my senior year in high school and I can only say that I've been doing this hardcore for like 2 years or so.

I don't want to be able to say in 2 more years that I wasted time. I want to make sure that I'm continuously growing and working and putting out consistent work that reflects me.

I want my designs to be a PART of me. I want people to be able to see them and say, Conrad designed that. I want to take more pride in my work.

I want to stop wasting time.

I feel like I say that a lot in these blogs, but it's the truth. I have goals and things that I want to do, and sometimes... the only thing that I feel like is stopping me...

is me.

If I'm not giving my all and actually actively pursuing what I feel I'm supposed to be doing, how can I say that I'm giving glory to my Creator? I was listening to one of Matt Chandler's latest sermons and he said something that really really hit me. Everyone's life, whether they want to believe it or not, is going to glorify God. Either through His love and grace that He's given us, or through His justice, HE will be glorified.

that's deep.

I want to glorify God through my life and actually use the talents He's given me for Him and His people.

I want to live a radical life. I pray that He'll shake me and break me and show me His glory in my life and guide me through the decisions that we need to make.

Guide me Father. Show me Your Will and help us to make decisions that glorify you and exalt you. All things end with you being glorified Father, but help us to glorify you to the best of our abilities now, bringing your Kingdom to earth and not waiting to go to Your Kingdom.

In Jesus Name.

the journey to find purpose

so at some point along the way, people began to view the ideal life as a life that is full of health and wealth. I sit in a chair typing this at a job where my boss proudly talks about coming to America to pursue the "American Dream"

and I've decided something...

I want no part of it.

at all.

I refuse to become so obsessed with padding my bank account that I lose sight of what's important in life.

I refuse to work so many hours to be able to buy whatever, that the only time I see my wife is as we lay down to sleep every night.

There is something so much bigger and deeper going on in this world that why in the world should I waste a second of my time worrying about the things of this world (the sermon on the mount helps a lot with this). We look at people that choose to live this simpler type of life, a life that they believe reflects Christ and we refer to them as radicals.

I call them Christians.

I believe that there should be two focuses in this life.

God

and people.

I talk about this verse ALL of the time, but go read the second half of Matthew 22. It's an amazing passage of scripture. In this passage Jesus sums up the entire law with two commandments; love God, love people. with all of your heart, soul, and mind.

that's all that I desire to do. I want to make an impact through my love and steadfast devotion to God to the people that I come in contact with. To love them as best I can and to show and offer them hope in whatever way I can.

There's a particular pastor that I listen to fairly often as I work throughout the day. Matt Chandler talks quite often it seems about how we more commonly go to God when we're upset or angry, and we miss the simple joys that He gives us, like being in the company of people that you love. Good friends, good food, good drinks, good fellowship.

After those moments, those events, those lunches, dinners, breakfasts, brunches, midnight get-togethers at Denny's, whatever, THOSE moments, are the moments that I take the most joy in. The times where I'm with the people closest to me and just simply enjoying existing in this world. When we can get together and enjoy delicious food, maybe a drink or two, and talk.

I love to talk.

Not just for the sake of talking (usually). But I love those conversations where when you finish and your on your way home from wherever, you say to your wife or yourself, man, I want to do THAT more often. I want to be in the presence of people whom I love, more often. To be able to share with them, whether it's good or bad, and be able to spend time talking about the Creator and what He's creating in each of our lives and how it's all connected...

it's all connected...

we are all connected in someway. It's not really a question of if we are, but more a question of whether we take notice of and embrace the connections that exist.

I'm going to take notice and embrace. I'm going to step out of my comfort zone and meet new people, find new people to love and interact with.

I'm going to love God and love people.

Another year gone by

So it's hard to believe that I'm now 22. I mean seriously. Where has time gone? I feel like I've been grown up for so long... but at the same time, it seems to have gone so quickly! So much has happened this last year. I remember reflecting last year and thinking the same things. I also remember thinking well, next year could be my last year not married, never thinking that I'd be married by Christmas to my beautiful wife, but praise God for Him knowing and planning better then I can!

Again, I can't believe how much has happened in the last year. The things I've done, the people I've met, the friends I've made, the friends I've lost, the time I've spent being productive and dreaming and planning, and the time I've thrown by the wayside and wasted...

I'd say I'm about 50/50.

That's depressing...

Kate and I want to do so much, we have big dreams and big visions. We feel as though we have big callings and firmly believe we do. We strive to not live a "good Christian life," but instead a radical Jesus following life. A life we believe can impact people. But like everyone else, we fail. We fall short. Hallelujah that our God doesn't quit on us! He continues to push and provide and strengthen and call and form events and bring people into our lives to remind us over and over again what He has for us.

I'm gonna use a quote. One that hit me as I was reading (listening) through A Million Miles in a Thousand Years (Donald Miller is a genious. read this book):

But the want was not enough. My desire to live a better story didn't motivate me to do anything. I kept sitting down and writing more and more boring words into my life. And when I wasn't sitting down writing boring words, I was sitting down watching television. Steven King calls the television "the glass teat," and I was suckling on it for all its sugar. I was licking the glass and pawing at it like a kitten.

Kate and I decided last week I guess it was to limit our television watching. This is a huge deal for us, if ANYONE knows us at all they know there's a few things we love besides God and each other: Music, Movies, & TV Shows. We love the creativity behind them and just well... everything! We spent many hours watching movies and catching up on TV shows (all of Lost and House in the last like 5 or 6 months). Needless to say, it was too much. It's went from being something that brought us together and gave us something to talk about, to being something that was comprising what it is that we did. I was not a designer as much as I was a TV watcher. And that realization sucked.

So we cut it out.

One movie.

or one TV Show.

a day.

and NO MORE then 1 hour on the computer for anything other then work/school. Unless someone was sitting in class looking for an escape to the monotonous lecture that is ensuing from the front of the class.

On top of that we decided to get up every morning at 6am (do you have any idea how early 6 am is? there IS NOT LIGHT!) and got through the P90X workout.

There is Nothing.

In all of life.

That I'd like to get up less for

Then to do that God forsaken workout.

After the first day, I was sore in places I didn't even know that I had muscles. It was ridiculous!

(I do in a weird sort of way enjoy it though. Lost 7lbs the first week and so did Kate!)

Anyways, we're changing things. We're working to be better stewards of what we're given including our time. We still want to enjoy things, but there's stuff that needs to get done as well.

I never really understood "new year's resolutions." Sure I've made them, but it wasn't a new year for me... just a new opportunity to forget to change the numbers when I write the date. I tend to make birthday resolutions. And for the most part, I find them much easier to stick with. So this year we made them together and let me tell you, it's a LOT easier to stick with it when you're holding someone else accountable and they're doing the same for you.

I'm truly thankful for all that God has done for me in this last year of my life. I'm truly blessed to have an amazing wife, an awesome group of friends, an opportunity to do what I love professionally, and daily opportunities to show the Creator of the entire universe's love to those around me.

This was a random blog. But that's what all's on my mind.

Praise God for His continuous love, blessing, and provision.

even in the dark.

staying positive

So I feel like I talk a lot of crap on Christians and the church. It's really pretty horrible of me. I see problems, and I feel like sometimes I spend so much time complaining about this or that, that I actually miss the good that's being done. And on top of that, I struggle with a lot of the things that bother me but seeing it in the Church or in my Brothers or Sisters, kind of serves as a mirror.

There are people that are making a difference though. I just want to take a few minutes and make a list of the churches that I personally know of that are impacting their community, and that communities impacting the world. These are churches where people are learning what the love of God looks like and seeing how it impacts people. I hope to be able to impact people in my everyday life. I feel like sometimes I excel more then others. Sometimes I get caught up with my own agenda though; my own life. I'm desperate for change and pray that it comes quickly, but in His time. I've realized over the last few years that it's NOT about me. in anyway. It's about my God. I hope that even if He allows me to suffer or deal with struggles, that I can still rejoice in Him. I feel like I lose sight of that. Anyways, take a look at the list and please feel free to post any more churches that you know of. I'm going to keep it to like 5.

1. Mars Hill - Rob Bell

2. Mars Hill Church - Mark Driscoll

3. Cornerstone Church - Francis Chan

4. Newspring Church - Perry Noble

5. Journey Church - Mark Lehew (shameless plug for an awesome church in the DC/Baltimore area. I go there so you know it's pretty awesome. haha!)

Let the conversation begin.

the doctrine of doctrine

now... let me preface this. I think some people may be upset with this post, but nonetheless this blog is a blog of honesty. A place for me to share my thought processes and get things out in writing so that I can better formulate my own opinion. This is my blog. Not yours.

And...

Here...

We....

GO!

Having been surrounded by Bible College life for (dear goodness) almost 4 years, I've fallen in love with some things and I've grown to hate some things.

I absolutely love, the heart for God that the people around me have.

I loved sitting in class and having my teacher pray over us before we take a test.

I love the bible studies and fellowship that goes on much of the time.

I love being able to have deep conversations with my brothers and sisters in a way that helps us to grow.

I hate debates.

I didn't used to, I used to thrive in arguments, pulling bible verses and quotes out of my library (and out of context) to prove the point that I was trying to make to whatever unfortunate non-(insert doctrine here) believing person I happened across. I was what I now hate.

(And let me make something perfectly clear, this blog is NOT written with anyone in mind, at all. And if you feel a little hurt or anything else or upset or frustrated, know that I don't hate you in any way, I hate the mindset, and again more importantly, I'm not writing about you.)

Becoming obsessed with Doctrine, in my honest opinion, works against the Gospel. I believe that dogma is ridiculously important and essential, but we are getting dogma confused with doctrine. Our emphasis to believers and non-believers should be love. That's what the end of Matthew 22 is completely about. It's about loving God and loving people. If we lose sight of that, we lose sight of the Gospel. Why in the world would any non-believer want to become a part of the family when all that we do is argue and bicker among ourselves whether this or that is right? Why would they ever believe that we love them when in reality we rarely show love to one another, unless of course we happen to be in a group where we all believe the same thing.

It's ridiculous. What about Jesus? I mean, honestly, what about the relationships that Jesus built with the people that he encountered. The UNBELIEVERS. The UNCLEAN. The UN(insert term for the religious here). He came and yelled and accused the RELIGIOUS of being evil and corrupt.

If all we have is a list of rules and beliefs then honestly what are we other then religious? What is it that separates us from the other religions of the world? Why would anyone ever see a difference in us or our lifestyle that would show them God?

Does God call us to be Holy? Absolutely!

Does Paul command Timothy to keep his doctrine close? YES!

Does Jesus tell us that we will be greater then Himself? yes.

We are called to do great things. But when we're filled up with head knowledge and think that we know right, it's hard to admit that we're wrong.

I'll admit.

I don't know.

anything.

I'm not wise in the eyes of my God.

but I believe that I can show His love to those around me.

because I love him

and He loves me

and I hope and pray that His love can pour out of me to all of the people around me, starting with my wife and trickling it's way down.

We are called to many things,

but to fully understand the Bible and God and how He has made everything to work,

I do not believe is one of them.

We need to be willing to question, to reexamine, to actually listen to what the other person in our deep conversations is saying and be able to admit that we're possibly wrong on whatever doctrinal topic is currently on the table, or we need to not talk.

I'm not saying for us to sway back and forth with the wind, but shouldn't we at least be able to bend in hopes of becoming stronger?

I'm a part of the problem.

I confess.

I know that I have differing views then many people that I know.

I love though before anything else.

You have your verses.

I have my verses.

We understand them the best that we can.

But in the end.

We're probably both wrong, as I believe that God has a much better understanding of His Word then I do.

And I'm okay with that.

how I'm learning to die

I find it difficult to do what I'm told. It's been that way my whole life. My mom would tell me to clean my room or whatever chore and I just would NOT want to do it! But every once in a while, because I knew how much my mom loved me, I would do it while she was out of the house to surprise her. I do the same thing now...

Kate: Can you make the bed please?

Conrad: Ugh... I willllll...

Kate: Okay.

(thirty minutes)

Kate: Can you please make the bed?

Conrad: I'm still laying in it!

Kate: Okay.

(Four Hours)

Kate: Didn't I ask you to make the bed?

Conrad: We're going to bed soon! Why do it now?

Kate: grrr...

Yes, I've exaggerated the circumstances, but still you get my point. But every once in a while when she leaves for class early I use my 4 or 5 minutes of free time in the morning to do AS MUCH as I possibly can to clean up the house.

My wife loves those days.

I'm working on studying through the Be Attitudes. I love the sermon on the mount. Alot of my favorite Jesus parables and wisdom is found in those few chapters, the ones that really get me through. I've been listening to this pastor who is going through the sermon on the mount and he said something that struck me after he made it through the be attitudes. Jesus did not start this sermon by telling us what to do, in fact He didn't give us a single commandment for the first 11 verses. He begins His sermon, one of the only fully recorded sermons we have of His, not by telling us what to do... but by telling us who we are. If you are a follower of Christ, you have been at some point all of the things that Jesus lists in the first 11 verses; poor in spirit (check), those who mourn (check), meek (check), those who hunger and thirst for righteousness (check check), merciful (check), pure in heart (check), peacemaker (check), persecuted for righteousness (check), when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you (check). He's giving us a list of things that we should be, of the things that we've experienced. For some of them, He's talking about the place where He found us, broken and alone, begging for bread or water to quench our soul. He's saying what we are. And knowing that I am those things, and that those things should describe me, teaches me how to die.

My mom used to (and still does sometimes) say things like:

you are the greatest son

you are such a good boy

i love you very much

My wife says things like:

I respect you.

You honor God

You have a heart for Him

You have a heart for His people

You challenge me to be better

I love you unconditionally

Jesus says things like:

I am meek

I am or have been poor in spirit

I hunger and thirst for righteousness

I am merciful

I am pure in heart

I am a peacemaker

I will be persecuted for righteousness' sake

Other will revile me and persecute me uttering evil things.

Even thought I don't live up to any of these things, that's still who I am, that's still how I'm seen by these people.

So I have to die, to the me that these people see can live.

After giving the be attitudes Jesus gives His first commandment to us:

Rejoice and be glad.

I will rejoice and be glad in knowing that I'm lovingly and mercifully learning how to die.

Music Wednesday!

So it's music wednesday again! I missed a couple weeks so here goes!

I haven't been listening to anything super exciting, a little Write this Down, a little Bless the Fall, a lot of podcasts, but there was a song that broke me this weekend at church, which let me just say, was amazing! If you are looking for a church to call home or to visit, Journey is where it's at. You should DEFINITELY come out this Sunday. http://journeychurchmd.com for times and directions! Worship this week was KILLER! One of the songs that they closed with really hit me (as it usually does) and brought back a ton of memories too! Several bands I love have played this song, David Crowder, The Glorious Unseen, but we did the original Jesus Culture version by Kim Walker. How He Loves, is an amazing song with an awesome groove and even better lyrics! If you haven't listened to it before, please do! I love all of the versions. If you are already a fan, Jeff Peck informed me via twitter last night that Jesus Culture is coming to DC so grab some tickets and go worship! Let me know if you've heard it before and what you think!

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me

Oh how he loves us, so
Oh How he loves us, how he loves us so

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me

And oh, how he loves us so,
Oh how he loves us, how he loves us so

Yeah he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves


We are his portion and he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking
So, heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

He loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves

Yeah, he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves

Yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
He loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves

men hate to ask for directions...

I don't.

I need directions.

I will gladly pull out a gps on my phone or in the car or buy a map, anything to make sure I know where I'm going. I had the unfortunate experience of having someone attempt to highjack my car once. It was at night and very terrifying... Did I mention I was in the car? Needless to say, I find myself freaking out when I see someone walking along the road or when I feel like I'm in a fairly dangerous neighborhood. I like to know where I'm going and exactly how to get there...

and I like it when the doors are locked.

thank God my car does do something right and has those auto-lock things!

Anyways, again, I hate not knowing where I'm going and will gladly do whatever it takes to make sure that my destination and directions are known by someone that I'm with.

But in that same breath. I like to think that I know where I'm going. It's a very weird thing to fall into BOTH of these categories, but I do. I will gladly admit when I'm lost and seek directions, but it takes me awhile to understand and believe that I am lost.

I find that my physical ability to fall into these categories directly relates to my spiritual ability to fall into these categories. I do not know if this is the same for everyone, but it is for me.

I can find myself walking along this path towards the goal and I think that I'm going the right way and know that I'm supposed to take a slight turn to the right or the left, but often times, I'm just guessing. Lately, I've been begging God for His direction. Begging Him to make clear the path He wants me to take, and I get so worried about going down the wrong path, that I just kind of pace back and forth at the intersection, taking a few steps forward down one path and then feeling the need to retrace my steps and rethink things. I find that my desire to the RIGHT thing is actually prohibiting me from doing ANYTHING.

I'm afraid.

I want to do what He wants me to do, but from past experiences and past detours on my route, I'm afraid of getting lost; afraid of losing my footing, of stumbling, of falling; afraid of losing my view of the finish line in the attempt to go into the ditch beside the road for a while to do whatever it is that I don't understand. It always seems easier to walk along the path that's paved then it would be to walk through the forest without a clear path.

But I feel that that is what I'm called to do. To walk through a forest that hasn't been touched; to focus on making a path and pruning some trees along the way. Of maybe creating my own road.

But I'm afraid.

And I don't feel like I'm being given the answers that I need.

And I know that it's not about me or anything that I can do. I can only bring filthy rags before my Lord and King.

but I want to do whatever He wants me to do.

I want the clerk behind the counter to give me directions when I ask, not smile at me and tell me He loves me.

But I need to be content with that, and not be afraid to step out into the forest.

I want to be fearful of the Most High, not the Most High's calling.

i am a sinner...

plainly put.

My life has been full of mistake after mistake after mistake. Moment after moment of God prodding and poking me to do something and me saying no. Just flat out no. I somehow justify the decision in my head and do whatever it is that I want to do.

I am fallen.

I guess I should start from the beginning...

Thousands of years ago, there was a man and a woman...

don't all the best stories start with a man and a woman?

Anyways, thousands of years ago, there was a man and a woman and they lived in a garden. Now it wasn't any garden, it was a garden where this particular pair were created.

Now I don't mean where they were born or where they evolved from a monkey.

They were created.

And this place, it was created for them. Not out of clay, or dirt, but the clay and dirt was created as well, by God speaking them into existence. God was/is perfect. He has always been and will always be. He created this earth and thus this garden for these two people, scratch that, the man. He discovered (in the only way that an all-knowing, all-powerful God can discover something) that the man needed a helper. So he created the woman.

Perhaps you've heard this story, these two people were Adam and Eve. Now, Adam and Eve were given a gift that only one other person was ever truly able to experience and share in, the gift to dwell in the presence of the most-high God, the only thing that God asked, was that they didn't eat the fruit of one tree in particular, everything else was there's.

Enter the fourth character in this story, the antagonist. In this particular story, he takes the form of a serpent. This serpent was wise and cunning... and could talk.

with words.

craziness.

He spoke to Eve when she was with her husband Adam and convinced her to eat the fruit. The forbidden fruit. She ate, he ate, and the rest was history.

I eat on a regular basis. I know what it is that I'm supposed to do. I know which fruit God has told me not to partake of or sometimes what I'm supposed to eat. And I don't.

In my life I've committed 2,309,490, sins...

And I continue to sin. I've dealt with pain and sorrow and shame and addiction. I've dealt with the ramifications of others' sins, and I've reaped the consequences. I've lied, I've manipulated to get and do what I want, when I want. I've been selfish, I'm constantly jealous, I take advantage of those I call friends and family. I was addicted to pornography since Middle School. I've laid in bed late at night desperately begging God to rid me of this sin, of this temptation, of this struggle, of this thorn. I'm guilty. My hands are red with the blood shed by the thoughts of my heart. My sheets are stained with the lustful thoughts of my mind. I bring nothing but filthy rags to my God for all that He's given me. My Lord should be disgraced and disgusted for me to call Him Lord. I am undeserving of anything other then death. If I was given what I deserved I would be lying in a fiery lake burning eternally separated from Him and His goodness.

I am the worst of these.

but

Thank and Praise God, that there is a but.

I am saved...

purely and wholly because I serve a mighty God.

who for whatever reason sent His Son to die for me on a piece of wood.

who has showered me with compassion and His unconditional love.

who has blessed me with the absolute best family of friends that I could ever ask for

who has blessed me with the most amazing wife a man could dream of...

He has taken care of me time and time again, provided for me in every way imaginable.

He has delivered me from the struggles of an addiction to pornography

He allows me to do what I love and make money to pay the bills doing it.

He blesses me even though I throw His blessings away.

He is mighty

and He is good.

and He breaks me at times like this, and shows me that I need Him.

I am completely undeserving of everything I have ever been given.

but I am so madly and crazily loved by a relentless Savior, who isn't willing to allow me to be who I was and pursues me and encourages me to be a model of Him. He sees the potential in me as His creation. He sees past my mistakes to my heart and my desperate desire to serve Him fully and wholly with all that I am.

Who am I in front of a mighty, loving God?

I am a saint.

all you need is love...

but, what do you do when love seems to be somewhere other then where you are at. Anyone who has read more then this blog or knows me at all, knows that I have many loves in my life; Jesus, my wife, design, music, creativity in general... I love these things, if all else was taken away and I still had these things, my life would still be content.

but lately I've been wondering,

what if one of them is skewed.

what if I have one of them but not the way I'm supposed to,

or the way that I was intended to.

I want to help people. I want to show them love. I want to use my other loves to show them love, and when I'm not, I feel like my purpose is actually flawed. Like somehow I'm missing this huge part in my life. I miss being able to have absolutely freedom creatively, to not be stuck in the box of a brand or a color scheme, i miss being able to let my imagination go and the feeling of being excited with where it ended up. I am desperately praying that God will help me to focus on Him, to ensure that I'm finding my purpose through Him and that I'm seeking to do what He wants me to do, not what I want to do or think would be best, but somewhere along the way I've been convinced that God doesn't want what I want, He wants me to do whatever He wants and that will never line up with what I want.

that couldn't be further from the truth.

I believe my Father wants me to be happy as this will show in my relationship with my wife, friends, and people I come in contact with, which in turn effects my relationship with Him. I'm not preaching health and wealth by any means. I am firmly against that gospel (notice the little "g"). But I do believe that God cares. Right now for whatever reason, God wants me working where I'm working now, if it's an opportunity to minister or just to expose this group of people to what it means to follow Christ and break some stereotypes, I do not know. But, I'm finding joy in the situation. In knowing that in my darkest deepest pit, God provided and is continuing to provide on a daily basis.

But I want more.

I want to impact people who impact people.

I don't want to be stuck in a world that devours the idea of money and can only see with dollar signs in their eyes. If you're in that environment long enough, it rubs off on you. But what do you do? How do you know when God is okay with you doing something drastic. Running a business or freelance (which is currently the desire of my heart and where my heart is) takes trust and faith in Him to provide. I've been down this road. I've suffered.

a lot.

I've faced not having any work coming in. Not being able to pay my bills. But my faith was so much greater. I trusted that He was taking care of things and that ultimately He would provide whether in the way that I wanted Him to or not. I'm okay with this now, but I now have a family to provide for, which makes it a much more difficult decision.

Praying this morning, God kind of spoke to me (not audibly or anything like that) but I was reading John 12 and for whatever reason I remembered a verse from Genesis that talks about working hard because of the Fall. And it was then that I made a decision. I'm going to be content with where I am, working hard to be an example to those around me, a model of Jesus, but I am going to work, and work, and work towards what I want and pray and seek God and hope that He will bless the desire that He has laid on my heart. I'm going to be okay with being exhausted; with not being able to go do something or watch something with my full attention (let's face it, it'll be on in the background) and pour myself into the desires that He's given me.

Thank God, my wife supports me with what we feel we're supposed to do...

cause I think we'll be busy.

I've never really honestly poured myself into something. Darin and I worked hard on Bleacht, but I know that at least I could've done more. I could've slept/watched/done less, to do more. I want to pour myself into this, to give it my all; our all. I want to do all that I humanly can to achieve what I feel He wants me to do and be excited with where He continues to lead, but content with where he currently has me. And I will be. Maybe 6 months from now, maybe a year from now, I will be able to move fully into what He's laid out.

I'm very excited;

we're very excited.

All we need is love!

in the name of...

sorry, it's been a little while since I've been able to post. we've gotten sooo much snow!

I feel like it's only appropriate for me to discuss my wife in this post, the love of my life. We were able to get away this weekend to celebrate valentine's day in Williamsburg, VA and just enjoy being together! It back a lot of memories as I used to live relatively close to there when I worked for a web firm in Hampton, VA. It was hard to believe where I was 2 short years ago, when I hated WBC (my college), hated life, wasn't consistently pursuing God, in a relationship that hurt me very much emotionally and spiritually, and in a completely different physical location. I needed that though. Those rough times helped me to understand how great my life really is. Life is all about contrast and God has to throw up the dark strokes in the painting or it would just be a white canvas. It's those dark strokes that help us to see the details, to see the painting take form. I was thankful when He started using colors and shades of white again, when he started to add highlights to my life.

My wife, is the greatest of those highlights.

Her love for me is truly unconditional (as unconditional as can be for mere humans) and I hope that I reciprocate that to her. When we first started dating and talking about marriage, several people voiced concerns because it seemed fast, and it was, but we both firmly believe that it was God's timing, down to choosing a Wednesday instead of a Saturday, as was expected, thus completely missing the devastating effects of a December blizzard and leaving us with only the residual white blanket of snow adding beauty to our wedding day. But some of these people vocalized concerns about only being in our "honeymoon" phase and not having to deal with any problems. But honestly, we dealt with more problems in those first three or four months then either of us have since. It was amidst the problems that we fell in love, when we were broke and no money was coming in and we dealing with conflicts with those around us, we saw how we responded to those problems and fell in love through that. We knew that God was painting with the dark strokes in those times, but nonetheless, they were tough times. I want to publicly declare my love and thankfulness and just how proud I am of my wife for how we handled our relationship, our friendship, and our situation through that time.

She is the most beautiful girl in the world, and I honestly question sometimes why she chose a guy like me. She loves Jesus, she loves music, she loves movies, she loves deep conversations over coffee that actually challenges us to think, she loves square plates, and she loves me. She is absolutely everything that I have ever wanted in my spouse. There's nothing that I had on my "list" that she didn't fulfill. She forces me to be a better person by loving me and loving Jesus and seeing past where I am and seeing the potential in me for the person that I am to be. I love her with all of my heart and praise God for her and for who He made her to be.

In the midst of the shadows, God gives us the highlights and midtones to create a beautiful painting. A painting that we call life, we just can't get stuck on which color of paint he's using but instead what the painting will look like in the end.

I love my wife.

I love my God.

I love His painting.

period.

Notes in lunchbags

So I've spent a this week listening to bands that I've loved for a very long time. I listened through the entire Switchfoot catalog on Monday and have been working on the Relient K catalog since then. I don't know if this is how it is for everyone. But certain albums and certain songs bring back really strong memories. I can remember exactly what I was doing at the time I was listening, who I was with, what mood I was in, how it affected me. I don't know if anyone has ever watched Chuck, I feel like with certain songs, I "flash". Memories as clear as videos come flooding back.

With that said, I have some very very fond memories of Relient K. I feel like since I have been a believer, I've connected with them and Theissen's lyrics. They just work for me, and I feel like they've grown as I've grown. It's pretty intense. I remember a little over a year ago, helping my friend, Peck, lead worship for the youth at our church. Our hearts were burdened for them, we tried our hardest to offer an amazing worship experience but I often felt like we were doing it for me. And that it was US, that we were leading worship for. After we met every Wednesday, the band would hang out for a while and just kind of jam a little bit. We loved playing, "Chap Stick, Chapped Lips, and Things Like Chemistry" and we had so much fun doing that. And that is the memory that comes to mind everytime I hear that song.

I think maybe God works that way sometimes. Sometimes we're so distracted in our lives that He has to throw out feelers to remind us of what He's done for us and how He's provided for us. I believe that He works in all of our lives differently, and just as He can usually reach me through music and a particular song reminding me of being in a place in my life, I'm assuming He reaches other people in different ways. So I guess my question is, how does He effect you? What way does He speak to you and bring you back to Him?

I love how He leaves little notes for us to remember Him. Kind of like parents do for their kids when they go to school.

We have a very loving Father.

=)

so I think I'm going to make Wednesdays my song of the week blog. There's usually just that one song that's really hitting home every week or one band or album or whatever.

let me just start by saying, I didn't ALWAYS love Jon Foreman. I thought switchfoot was kind of poppy and... what's the word...

emotional?

It was kind of a love hate relationship. I liked them for their words but at that point, I was "too cool" to listen to music like that. and then they released the beautiful letdown. it was beautiful. perfect harmonies and melodies perfect amount of soft warm vocals and harsh strained "screams."

It was perfect.

And I was stoked.

Then they released nothing is sound. I again was going through a time in my musical life where I was "too cool" for certain bands and songs and chalked nothing is sound up to that. song titles like "happy is a yuppy word" clearly meant sappy poppy horribleness.

I was wrong. (thanks to The Apostle Lehew)

It was clearly pointed out to me how amazing that CD was, but it was like... 6 years after it came out.

but I stopped with my musical discrimination. something in my brain pulled a rosa parks and I finally could see the beauty of music. I absolutely fell in love with Jon Foreman's Seasons. Fall and Winter lulled me to sleep many a nights during a very dark and numb period of my life. Shortly after that, the beauty of Oh, Gravity, graced my ears and I began rediscovering my love for switchfoot. but none of them can compare with their new album.

hello hurricane.

it is pure genius. Every single song is perfect. I would not change one thing about the entire album and cannot wait to hear them grow into their next album. I began this post thinking that I was going to write about the last song on the album, Sing It Out. But given the way that I've been feeling lately, Hello Hurricane is much more fitting...

I've been watching the skies

They've been turning blood red

There is not a doubt in my mind

There's a storm up ahead

(Chorus)
Hello Hurricane You're not enough

Hello Hurricane You can't silence my love

I've got doors and windows boarded up

All your dead end fury is not enough

You can't silence my love

Everything I have I count as loss

Everything I have is stripped away

But before It started building I counted up these costs

Ain't nothing left for you to take away

(Chorus)
Hello Hurricane You're not enough

Hello Hurricane You can't silence my love

I've got doors and windows boarded up

All your dead end fury is not enough

You can't silence my love

Im a fighter fighting for control

Im a fighter fighting for my soul

Everything inside of me surrenders

You can't silence my love

You can't silence my love

(Chorus)
Hello Hurricane You're not enough

Hello Hurricane You can't silence my love

I've got doors and windows boarded up

All your dead end fury is not enough

You can't silence my love
I said Hello Hurricane

Please read the lyrics, pray over them, devour them the way that I have, then find the song listen to it and sing.

What storm is going on in your life that is trying to keep you from loving?

I see the storm.

I see the flood.

I'm going to build an ark.

I'm going to love.

So today's the day. The premiere of Lost Season 6. A year ago, I thought Lost was the stupidest show in the world. I thought every episode was thrown together and nothing tied into one another and the writers were crazy and changed at commercial breaks. I was NOT a fan. I actually made fun of fans. But here I am, having purchased all 5 seasons, watched through all of them, spent lunches speculating over rumor boards and reading episode reviews, staying up into the wee hours of the morning playing catchup, or rewatching episodes that may be important. I hate to say it but...

I am

a Lostie.

Ugh, even typing those words humbles me. I desperately wanted to start watching this show and be able to say, see I'm right! This is stupid. But alas, that's not how it played out.

What I was so sure of, what I was so set on, was false.
And honestly, it was keeping me from enjoying something truly great.

Now if you've never watched Lost, you won't understand how great this show really is. The way all of the story lines intertwine and the foreshadowing they use 3 seasons in advance is incredible! It's truly a literary work of genius not to even mention the videography. I am truly impressed by the work that Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, and J.J. Abrams (sort of) put into this project. I am truly excited about tonight's beginning of the final season, to finally have questions answered. GAH! I can't even contain myself typing this! I could seriously go on for pages about the greatness of the show and the cultural and religious references and the subtle things that most people don't even catch on about. But, I feel like all of these feelings towards this convey something deeper.

How often do we get our hearts so set on something, i.e. Lost being completely terrible, that we almost completely miss the beauty of what's going on that we have shut off. I feel like this happens all the time in the Christian life. We get so SET in our doctrines that we can't see through them. We firmly believe that this is this and that is that and that's good and that's bad and I can't do this and I have to do that, that we simply miss it.

we miss the point.

We are going to be wrong. Our theology and understanding is going to grow and our capacity for understanding things that we currently don't understand or currently don't necessarily agree with is going to change. If you would've told me that the cessasionist view point was not true and that the Holy Spirit still works in remarkable ways, sometimes in absolutely miraculous ways, I would've laughed at you. But through various trials and experiences and events, I cannot deny His role in our lives. I don't fully understand it but, I'm humble in knowing that my understanding will increase, my wisdom in regards to His role in my life and in society will grow. There's a very fine line. We need to know what we know and hold our doctrine close...

but we need to be able to admit that we may be wrong.

otherwise, maybe it's not just the people around us that are trying to get something through to us.

maybe it's God.

maybe we're refusing to allow Him to show us something to help us to grow.

we need to not do that. we need to live a Matthew 19 life. Jesus tells us to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, and mind, and to do the same for our neighbors. In those two commands the law is summarized. Does doctrine matter? I'm sure that it does, do any single one of us have it right? surely not. so we need to not act like we do. we must approach our doctrine from a humble perspective believing it but also believing that it could change that we could be wrong. Paul says in 1 Corinthains 13 that love is over all things. John tells us in 1 John that God IS love...

maybe instead of arguing, we should start bringing God into our relationships.

God is love.

it's merely circumstantial

I find that people my age tend to be quite circumstantial. They allow their feelings and emotions to be overrun by the circumstances that they find themselves in. Every little thing causes them to be upset or happy or angry or upset. I still struggle with this as well but I know that there's a better way, at least for Christians. We are called to take joy in our God. We should find joy in knowing that He and He alone is in control. It would seem as though the times that this is the biggest issue is when we lose focus of what all of this is about. Here's a clue:

It's not (in any way, shape, or form)

about you.

the end.

It's about God and His plan and His will. He will provide for us as He sees fit but sometimes, we need to go through the difficult times, the times in which we can't pay our bills and our car almost or even does get repossessed, the times where we have no idea where rent or food is going to come from, it's in those times that James says we are to practice endurance and that we can only learn endurance through these circumstances. We are called to find joy in knowing that God is instilling endurance in us, even though there are tough circumstances. It's weird typing this, knowing that I have a secure job doing stuff that I love getting paid a steady salary and having money to enjoy life with my wife in our lovely apartment and not having to worry about paying a specific bill. But, that's not what I'm used to. I'm used to having no idea where money's coming from or not being able to buy anything that I want or not knowing where food is coming from, or having to tell people I can't afford to go somewhere with them or being called and told that if I can't make a payment today, my car is going to be repossessed, and that's just the financial circumstances. That's been my life. Even now, Kate and I will go out to grab something from the store, and I have this lingering feeling of this is going to get declined. It wasn't fun.

But.

You can ask anyone that is close to me, I would've said the same thing then as I'm saying now. To the point that I even, after being challenged by Shive, prayed that God would actually make my situation WORSE so that His Glory could be seen in a way that I could ONLY give credit to Him. I believe in the Sovereignty of the Lord and that His Will and Purpose and Understanding is better then mine. I want to challenge those around me, those whom I love and respect and am blessed to be able to call friend, to not get caught up in the circumstances of your life, not to worry about your next meal or rent, but to give it to God,

honestly,

give it to Him,

He will take that burden, and then you don't have to worry because it's His will and not yours. So whether you hate your job, or you can't afford to pay for whatever it is, or your friends keep getting upset with you about whatever seems to be the stupidest stuff to you, trust and pray for His will and His wisdom and His understanding. What happens when you're putting all of your hope and emotional stock in your circumstances is you start thinking that if your circumstances change, that suddenly your life will be great and sure, some things may be great, but a lot of the underlying problems will continue to be just that.

problems.

Pray and seek to find joy in your circumstances and trials knowing that they are there to increase your endurance.

His Will is perfect.
always.

I want the Spirit, not a kick drum...

So it's weird to me... Why do people take such polar positions on the Holy Spirit. I feel like you either act as if He's not as important as the other members of the Trinity, thus negating His work in today's world since the time of the Apostles, or you are on the Pentecostal end, focusing on the feeling of the Spirit and what He can make you do and you make it about the Gifts rather then the Giver. I would like to declare that you are both wrong.

I was listening to an audiobook over the last couple days and the author made an incredibly vital point in this argument, the canon of Scripture, the canon that we believe to be inspired, that we believe is divinely preserved, was decided upon not by the Apostles, as some of them were dead by the time that the last book was even written, but a council of men, voted and decided on the Canon under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Now, you can argue that, but then what're you left with? If the pages in your Bible weren't decided upon by the Holy Spirit working through those men, then what do you have for guidance. You can put all of your emphasis on all of your guidance in life coming from the Bible, but in the end, that still involves Him.

Now in turn, you can rely entirely upon the Holy Spirit and not care about the Bible, but this causes equally horrific problems, probably more so. If the Holy Spirit is telling you something, that directly goes against Scripture, in ANYWAY, let me repeat that...

In

Any

WAY

then it is not from God or the Holy Spirit. I've heard some crazy stories about people claiming that God led them to do something, men claiming that God wants them to leave their life and be with some other lady because he feels closer to God with her, heretics claiming that God wants us to be saved so that he can bless us with health, wealth, and prosperity, or popes who feel that starting a crusade to regain the Holy Lands would be the right thing to do. Either way, if it goes against, New Testament teaching it's wrong, no matter the scale.
period.

But I believe that there's a middle ground, a third way if you will. Francis Chan's book "Forgotten God," focuses on the role of the Holy Spirit in our lives. He doesn't talk about the feelings, but stresses the need for the Holy Spirit in our lives because He strengthens us to do what the Father places upon us. To separate these two Persons of the Trinity, is to break apart the foundation of the relationship between believers and God that was set in motion 2,000 years ago. Christ tells us in John 16 that it is better for Him to leave so that He can send us the Holy Spirit then for Him to stay. That's loud, even deafening in this debate. We are called to embrace all the Persons of God.

BUT

(and there needs to be a but)

if you are seeking after God solely for what the Holy Spirit can do for you, what gifts He can give you...

you

are

WRONG.

Embrace the gift that God has given you, the gift of being able to be a part of the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth and do whatever you can to further that Kingdom and rejoice in the fact that we are gifted with Eternal Life. Paul causes us to earnestly desire and pray for Gifts from the Spirit, but then stresses that they are not to be the focus,

your greatest gift...

is love.

you'll be hearing more from me on this as this is just the tip of my thought process iceberg...

sorry I can't go deeper today.
much love.

when in doubt...

So I find that some of the most difficult times that I have in life, the times that I feel like vomiting all over myself and the floor, the times that I feel like there are not butterflies in my stomach but giant birds fighting desperately to soar free, are the times that I'm not in control of the outcome of my life. The times when the decision in hand is not my own; when the decision will directly reflect my life and how I live it. I can think of countless examples, but will talk about today's events...

so I got this marketing director gig a few months ago after spending much time in prayer seeking work and direction and wisdom and putting my future in countless people's hands. I got the job in a fashion that I can only describe as divine, and I have felt like I'm definitely supposed to be at this location at this time, maybe not for the rest of my life, but right now, yes. I took the place of a man that was put in jail by his girlfriend for various reasons. He got out last night.

say it with me...

UGH!

anyways, he came to pick up his stuff today and as soon as I found out he was coming I instantly switched into panic mode. What if they were crazy and liked his work better, what if this was the end of my career here? What if I needed to start thinking about new work. Needless to say, I was a little worked up. And the joking emails from a friend at work about him getting his job back PROBABLY didn't help. But he comes in, and they act as if he's the prodigal son. I'm right next to their office so I'm stopping the printer next to me turning off my ipod and desperately trying to hear whatever was being said in the room next to me. I was freaked. At some point during these events, I wouldn't say I heard God, but He seemed to speak to me and said, I have this under control. And in that, I wish I could say that I was all better and went in and talked to him and shared the gospel and he got saved... but that didn't happen... I didn't even really feel better (he was here for like an hour), but I felt comforted. I felt comforted in knowing that I wasn't nervous about what my bosses would decide or what he would say or anything like that. I was nervous about what God had in store and if He wanted me somewhere else. He shifted my feelings and anxiety from the people around me to Him, and I think that He can handle that. I'm on my lunch now and needless to say, still have my job, but even if I hadn't if it had gone "horrible" from a worldly perspective, I would've been okay. I would've found comfort in knowing that He and He alone is looking out for me and guiding my actions and footsteps as much as those around me, even if they don't realize it. I have comfort in knowing that it's His Will and not my own or any other persons that makes up the big picture. It's not about me, it's about Him. Wholly and fully.

I love my God and the way that He works through my anxiety and stress.

In Him I find peace

as He holds my life in His hands...

EVEN

when I doubt.

Today's post is going to be a quick one. This past summer, there was a lot going on. Dealing with money issues and trying to make sense of a calling and leading that just made no sense at all and that not everyone loved. There were some really tough days, very emotional days. The days that you look back on and are like wow, He was so there... I'm sorry for not seeing You. Anyways, the album Over and Underneath by Tenth Avenue North spoke a lot to me and I feel like the following song really expresses the love that God has for us and our desire to see Him, and even when we mess up and have no hope, He's still right there. Anyways, enjoy. pray through it. give it a listen. it helped shape my life into what it is now.

I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and attempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

And for the record, I didn't really care for this album that much on first listen. But it's now one of my favorites. Thanks to my wife for making me listen to the CD of her cousin's wife's brother's band. Haha, good times.

much love.

the art of... well... art

So I've grown up in a creative family. My grandmother and grandfather were artists their whole lives, painting, drawing, crafting, pretty much whatever they had at their fingertips they did. Same for my uncle. That man was impressive, I saw some of the design pieces he did while in college, and I'm blown away by the creative fruits flourishing through my family tree. To the point that this same uncle, was actually chosen to be one of the first computer graphic designers... ever. He was one of like 15. They had computers that took up entire rooms and controlled the cursor with two joysticks. That's how this huge industry started.

Insane.

I was taught crafting, drawing, and painting from a young age too. My grandparents helped to raise me, so, they helped to pass along some of the "trade secrets" and bought me my first pencil set or paint set or whatever it may be. This set up a foundation that I am very very thankful for. When I got to high school and found myself enrolling in digital publishing and print design, I realized that my foundation was a little more then just a foundation and I quickly fell in love with the tastiness of Apples and the amazingness of Adobe. This was finally, I realized what I wanted to do. I got a laptop and I just started designing, desperately attempting to mimic whatever tutorials I could find or digitally create whatever I saw around me. It gave me a start and after a few months someone asked me to do some work from them...

that's it.

That's how this whole crazy freelance/marketing director/church designer/web connoisseur THING happened. I just kind of fell into it. I fell into love with it. I often wonder why? Like, a lot of good has happened through it and I've met tons of super rad people through my various creative outlets but, why? I think in a very unique way. I can't even really explain it in words. I believe that for some reason my brain is balanced, like, I examine and understand words and integers and anything else in a way that I am constantly, whether I want to or not searching through them looking for patterns that equate the two like the little tiles that make up the bathroom floor make up a pattern if you spend enough time examining them. Now, I've either completely lost you, or you're like, I DO THAT! That's so me! Sorry, but it's one of those things you either get or you don't. But anyways, God blessed me with this way of thinking because well... He's God and He's sovereign and in the end... well it's simple.

He does

what He wants

WHENEVER

He wants.

period.

that's the end of it.

But like I talked about in my last post, there's a unique beauty in what He chooses to do. The way He decides to make it all fit perfectly together. The way that He brings all things to himself and through Him all things can be made perfect. Now please, don't for a second think that I'm implying that my design ability is perfect. I actually went back and looked at some of my old designs and was like... wow... He really must want me to be doing this if He surrounded me with people that loved me enough to not tell me I needed to choose a different profession. I mean...

they

were

BAD!

But, He used those to teach me. He challenged me, the way He does in all aspects of my life with a love and passion for something that I wasn't super good at. But I pushed through. I ran the race. I kept my eyes on the finish line and saw that each composition, each mockup I was sending to a client, was leaps and bounds better then the last. Every piece was a stepping towards my end goal of being a fantastic designer. And I'm still heading towards that goal. Sometimes I'm sprinting, others jogging, others walking, heck, sometimes I've even crawling, but I'm moving. I'm moving towards where I want to be, because I see the beauty of it. I have a creative eye, and when I'm trying to design something, I'm growing closer to God. Whether I take note of it, and make a conscious decision to do so, is probably a different story. But I am. In everything that I attempt to design, in every element I incorporate, that element has come from God. Maybe indirectly, maybe through my boss, who got it from so and so, who got it from so and so, who saw a tree along the side of the road that made him think about a line going a certain way or a shadow hitting something below it or whatever.

But everything we do

whether we realize it or not,

comes from the beautiful perfect world around us

with its intricacies and hidden beauties

He put them there to show us His love

His glory

His power and...

His creativity.

I hope to one day be able to create something that brings Him honor and glory.

Mary and Elizabeth...

So I got into work today and was spending a few minutes going through the headlines as I do several times throughout the day and I just had this urge. I felt like I should spend some time in the Word. Kate and I have been talking and praying a lot about what it is that we're supposed to be doing with our lives and have felt... well helpless. We have big dreams and desires but haven't really felt like we've been doing anything. Yeah, we have a lot going on and just got married and have been planning but we just don't feel like we've been effectively serving to the best of our abilities. Needless to say, if you know either of us at all, this is a problem. We THRIVE on serving and giving on being involved with things that impact peoples' lives. It doesn't have to be huge and earth shattering, it could just be having a deep conversation with someone whom we challenge to think and they return the favor. This problem was beginning to hurt our relationship, not in a dramatic way or anything, but we were just arguing a little more and there was a little more tension. We spent some time Saturday night celebrating making the best decision of our lives a month before, and came to a dramatic conclusion. Maybe God wasn't being silent; maybe we were living in a world that was too loud! We were surrounded by so much... STUFF! It was no wonder that we were feeling confused about what we were supposed to be doing, we weren't actually seeking after Him through our devotions separately or together. So we decided to really pursue Him, to really get back to the root of what all this is about. To spend time in the Word on a daily basis together and apart...

Anyways, back to the ladies, I went onto an online Bible and read through the first chapter of John. Now, I've read this chapter many times, I even had the first few verses memorized at one point. But this time something different came to my mind and I just couldn't stop thinking about it. What about John and Jesus? Why were their parents, Zecheriah, Elizabeth, and Mary, why were they chosen? Why were they the people that God chose to bring in the forerunner and the Messiah? And something hit me, something amazingly simple and beautiful that I had never in all of my years of reading through the Gospels had picked up on, Elizabeth and Zecheriah were old. I heard a pastor translate the word that they use for old, as old as dirt. Now I don't care who you are

that.

is.

OLD.

It was such an absurd idea that when Zecheriah was told by the angel, he all but laughed at him, he was kindly rewarded with the gift of silence. (I'm so glad that God doesn't do that anymore, I definitely didn't anticipate being married a year ago and wouldn't have enjoyed spending months unable to speak. what can I say, I like to talk!). And at the same time, an angel is appearing to Mary, the future mother of Jesus and telling her, "You're going to have a Son, even though you've never been with a man." Now yes, we can focus on the miracle of the virgin birth, but there's something else there. She's young... She's not young like I am, she's young like I was 9 or 10 years ago young. Though it would be easy to get caught up on the miracle of the birth (which is breathtaking in a way that I can't ever describe) there's something, in a very subtle way, that's amazingly beautiful about this. Even in the details, God chose two people older then dirt to bring in the forerunner to the Messiah, the man that would pave the way and begin the process that He would finish, and He chose the youngest a girl could be to have her mother His Son, the Messiah. There's a sort of vibe their an ebb and flow, a sense of yin and yang if you will. The two are opposites in a way that they completely beautify one another. I desperately pray that God will continue to help me to see THAT type of beauty in the text. To not get caught up with all of the big and lose track of the subtle little things that God threw in there to make an already beautiful story simply stunning.

God is found...

in the beauty.

He takes the dirt and brings life.

From the dirt, flowers come up.